Ladies, 11 things you should never do to hurt your man's pen*s...

In an ideal world, everyone's gen*tals would come with instruction manuals as thick as the ones that come in the glove compartment of your car.

They'd be full of helpful diagrams and feature an entire chapter on the best way to give the owner an orga$m. But they don't exist, because human beings don't have a glove compartment (you could make a case for the but* effectively being a glove compartment but who wants to roll up an instruction manual and wedge it in there).

My point is, there are proper and improper uses of a pen*s. You're probably familiar with the proper uses. And hopefully you're OK with improper uses, but just in case you're not, here they are:

1. DO NOT bend a hard pen*s. The pen*s is not designed to bend at extreme angles, especially when it is in its er*ct state. Do not attempt to bend the pen*s past 30 degrees.

2. DO NOT bite a pen*s. The skin surrounding the pen*s is incredibly sensitive and puncturing it could result in serious injury.

3. DO NOT flick or slap a pen*s. The pen*s is not a miniature version of an inflatable bop bag and operators should not treat it as such.

4. DO NOT apply excessive friction to a pen*s. While some friction is encouraged, vigorous friction could result in what is basically rug burn. Ignoring this rule could result in a trip to the hospital wherein a doctor will disapprovingly say, "That's a friction burn."

5. DO NOT place a pen*s in a wall socket or toaster connected to a power source. As tempting as it might be, do not use a pen*s to loosen wall sockets or fish half a bagel out of your toaster. Always unplug toasters before doing this.

6. DO NOT clean a pen*s with household cleaners. You might be tempted to treat the pen*s as if it was the counter top in your kitchen, but abrasive household cleaners are going to be harmful to the pen*s's integrity. Soap and water will do just fine, no matter how dirty the pen*s gets.

7. DO NOT steam clean the balls. As tempting as it may be, wrinkled testicles are normal and any attempt to steam clean the pen*s will result in grievous injury.

8. DO NOT stand on a pen*s to reach a high shelf. Pen*ses are non-load bearing (YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN). Do not put your full weight on the pen*s, or serious injury could occur to both you and the pen*s.

9. DO NOT overexert the elasticity of a pen*s. Do not pull on the pen*s past the point of resistance. Despite some tensile strength, the pen*s was not designed to be stretched.

10. DO NOT apply excessive pressure to a pen*s. The pen*s is incredibly sensitive and is not designed to withstand blunt force trauma or large amounts of pressure.

11. DO NOT attempt to put anything inside the pen*s. The opening at the head of the pen*s is not designed to allow objects to pass into the penis. Do not place anything inside the pen*s or obstruct the opening.